Sugar And Spice And Everything Nice
by EmilyGrace18
Summary: This will be a collection of drabbles and short stories featuring various TMNT characters and genres. Suggestions and prompts welcome. The ratings of each will vary, so I've set the general rating at T just to be safe. Enjoy!
1. Me Without You

_Hey all!_

 _Okay, so I've had an idea for a while that I would like to dabble a little in short stories, one shots, drabbles, and stand alones (anyone have any idea what the difference is between all those, or are they basically different names for the same thing? Oh well.) Right now I don't feel like I can tackle another full length story, but I love to write and want to keep doing it. I also want to challenge myself by writing in styles and genres I'm not used to (i.e.—first person, tragedy, humor, non-prominent characters, etc. etc.)_

 _So, with that in mind, I'm asking you all for help and suggestions. If you have something you would like to see me write about, just send me a message with your suggestion. It can be as vague or as detailed as you would like. You can pick the characters, the time frame, the genre, etc. (sorry, please no turtlecest requests—just not into that). I'm counting on you all to prod my muse into action. This is going to be so much fun!_

 _So here is something to start this ride out. I was going through some old files on my computer and I came across this little story. It was actually something I wrote right after getting sucked into the world of TMNT but never posted. In fact, I think it's the first thing I ever wrote in this fandom, but I kinda like it. It's a one shot that takes place at the end of the 2007 TMNT CGI movie, offering a little closure that I didn't think the movie provided. I hope you enjoy._

 **ME WITHOUT YOU**

 **Category: 2007 Movie Verse**

 **Genre: Good ol' sap and brotherly love**

 **Rating: K+ (for brief allusions to graphic violence)**

 **Characters: Leo and Raph (with mentions of others)**

 **Summary: Leo and Raph have a heart to heart about Leo's time away in Central America.**

There was a soft, almost timid sounding knock on the frame of my open doorway. I looked up from my book in surprise, wondering who would still be up at this late hour. Or early hour, depending on how you looked at it. Normally I'd be asleep myself, but I was still suffering from the effects of whatever drug the stone General's had used on me, not to mention lingering jet lag from the journey back from Central America. I had succumbed to a late afternoon nap, and the result was that I was wide awake while the rest of the lair hovered in the eerie silence of early morning.

But apparently I wasn't the only one suffering from lack of sleep.

A dark shape hovered in the heavy shadows just outside the light from my lamp, but I instinctively knew who it was. I levered myself up into a sitting position, my shell to the wall, carefully keeping my face neutral as I called out a greeting. "Hey Raph."

There was a short grunt from the darkness and then Raph stepped forward, his features revealed by the light for the first time. He seemed oddly hesitant and unsure, his eyes darting around the room before coming to rest on me. "Hey," he replied distractedly, his gaze flickering down to the book in my lap, then quickly back up again. "I just saw your light on and thought…" he trailed off uncertainly, standing in the doorway awkwardly, looking as though he was already regretting knocking.

"I couldn't sleep," I admitted with a shrug, closing the book and setting it on the nightstand. "I'm still trying to get my days and nights straightened out." I was also trying to adjust to the quiet. I had grown used to nights filled with the never ending songs of the jungle, and the silence in the lair was deafening by comparison.

Raph nodded, hesitating for a moment longer before letting out a small sigh and coming the rest of the way into the room, sinking down onto the far end of the bed. I watched as he picked at the coverlet, thinking of the thousands of other times Raph had come to me late at night to discuss whatever was on his mind. Those times had come fewer and farther in between over the last few years before I had left for my training, an undeniable distance growing between us.

It saddened me, for when were younger we had been very close. I had spent countless hours trying to figure out exactly what was coming between me and my younger brother, but in the end I had just had to settle for the fact that we were simply growing apart.

I know it had started when Splinter named me leader of our clan. At first I had thought it was a mere matter of jealousy, but I since realized that it was something much deeper than that. I had thrown everything I had into training harder and longer, determined to prove myself worthy of the leader I had been named, to grow in strength and skill so that I would always be able to protect my family. It had changed me, in ways that I hadn't even been aware of at first.

Perhaps those changes were what had torn the gap between us. It seemed that the harder I tried to be a good leader, the best leader I possibly could, the more Raph grew to resent and distance himself from me. He couldn't accept the changes in me, which meant he couldn't accept me. It hurt. It had hurt before I left for my training, and it still hurt, because the truth was, I _missed_ my brother. I missed our adventures and our late night talks. I missed having someone to confide in, to share my burdens with and in turn have him share his with me. Casey was the one Raph went to now, and as much as I liked Jones, I also couldn't help but feel jealous of him as well.

I just wanted my brother to _talk_ to me again.

As if reading my mind, Raph shifted on the bed and looked up, meeting my gaze. "What was it like?" he asked suddenly, his voice so soft as to be nearly a whisper.

I blinked at him in confusion for a moment, my brain not quite comprehending what he was asking. Then it suddenly clicked home. "You mean Central America?" I asked hesitantly.

Raph nodded, his gaze still fixed to mine. There was something unreadable in his expression, and this time I was the one who looked away, turning to study a spot on the ceiling. I hadn't been expecting this question, and it took me a moment to gather my thoughts.

"It was different," I finally replied. "I mean _really_ different. About as opposite from the city as you can get." I paused, remembering how I had felt when I had first arrived in Central America: the overwhelming sights and scents that had bombarded my senses. "Even the air was different…thicker and wetter. It was almost like breathing water. But it smelled so fresh and clean. And the trees…Raph, I have never seen so many trees in my entire life. They stretched on as far as the eye could see. There were so many strange animals there as well. Birds so colorful it almost hurt your eyes to look at them…" I trailed off, turning to glance at him, needing to gauge his reaction to my words. The whole time I had been over there I had dreamed of sharing my experience with my brothers, telling them of my adventures and all the wonderful sights I had seen. But now, under the circumstances, I feared that it might just be like pouring salt on an open wound.

Raph's expression was still unreadable, but he jutted out his chin in an indication that I should continue.

I hesitated for a moment longer, but then suddenly found myself talking, unloading all the details of the strange and wonderful land that I had called home for over a year. I told him about what it was like living in the forest, the struggle to find food and shelter, the sudden rains that would hit unexpectedly and leave you feeling as though a barrel of water had been upended over your head. I told him about the excitement I had felt when I first discovered the cave I would later make my home, and the beautiful waterfall less then half a mile from the cave that I had used for water and bathing. I told him about the exotic animals I had encountered, the panther that had shared territory with me for several months. Remembering his aversion to anything creepy-crawly, I left out the details about the large insects and spiders I had come across, some as big as dinner plates. I figured he wouldn't really believe me even if I told him.

"And then there were the villages…" I shook my head as I remembered. "I steered clear of them at first, but eventually I started watching them from a distance. The people there were so _different_ from New Yorkers. Their houses were all really small…we could probably fit about a dozen of them in the lair…and made out of straw and mud. They didn't have stores or restaurants…instead, they raised or grew all their own food. And the people were so _close._ It was almost like they were one big family. The kids ran around free with no worries, and all the adults shared the work. They did a lot of singing. It was really strange watching them, but also beautiful."

I swallowed, my mouth feeling dry from talking so much. I glanced over at my brother and found him looking at me with a strange expression, almost wistful.

"Sounds wonderful," he murmured into the sudden silence. "I knew it had to be pretty great…ya know…to make you forget about us for so long." Surprisingly, there was no accusation or bitterness in his tone. If anything, his voice was carefully neutral, but I knew my brother well enough to pick up the slight undertone of sadness in the casually spoken words.

Suddenly I remembered what Sensei had told me when I had returned. He had welcomed me without condemnation, but had urged me to talk to Raph, indicating that my brother had been the one most affected by my long absence. At the time, I had dismissed his words, not sure that I believed him. Afterall, Raph and I hadn't parted on the best of terms. We had been constantly arguing, getting on each others nerves at the drop of a pin. Of all my brothers, I figured Raph would miss me the least…would in fact be glad of my absence.

Now, staring at him across the bed, I began to wonder if I had perhaps been wrong. If maybe the gap between us wasn't as large as I had supposed, if maybe Raph had missed _me_ as much as I had missed _him._

"I didn't forget about you, Raph," I stated softly. "Not any of you. Not for a single day." Our eyes met, and I willed Raph to read the truth in my expression.

He frowned slightly, his eyes darting away and coming to rest on a spot on my blanket. "So what happened, then?" He asked softly, his voice again surprisingly void of anger or accusation, simply curious.

It was a simple question…the one I had been expecting…and dreading…all along. Of course, that didn't mean I was any more ready to answer it. For Sensei, a simple explanation of getting too caught up in my own world had been enough, but I knew it wouldn't work for Raph. And in truth, I knew I owed him a better explanation. I just wasn't sure what to tell him. How do you explain something that you don't fully understand yourself?

I let out a deep sigh, leaning my head back against the wall behind me. I struggled to collect my thoughts, only too aware of my brother waiting expectantly beside me. I wasn't sure I had an answer that would satisfy him, but I needed to try if I wanted any hope of repairing the torn relationship between us.

"When Sensei first told me he wanted me to leave for a few months to go and train, I really had no idea how to feel," I began hesitantly. "I'd been feeling for some time that something was… _off_ …with me, but I couldn't really put a finger on why that was. Shredder was defeated and our enemies were staying low…I figured I was just adjusting to all the new changes. I should have been feeling good…relaxed, but instead I just kept getting more and more tense. I was short-tempered and harsh with you guys, and though I always hated myself afterwards, I couldn't seem to stop. I guess Splinter picked up on my unrest and that is why he decided to send me away."

I paused there, staring at a spot on the ceiling, remembering the mixed feelings I had felt upon learning I would be spending the next couple of months thousands of miles from my family, in another country. The furthest I had ever been from my home was Casey's grandmother's farm a few hours away. At the time, Central America had seemed like the other side of the world to me. To say I was apprehensive would have been a vast understatement, but a part of me was also intrigued, even a little excited. It had seemed like a grand new adventure, and a part of me was actually eager to get away for a while.

If only I had known what was in store for me.

"When I got there," I continued my story, "everything was so overwhelming. The sights, the sound, the people…it was all so strange and new. At first I was caught up in just trying to figure out how to survive, and believe me when I say, that was harder than you might think. If not for all my training, I don't think I would have lasted one week in that jungle, let alone the three months Master Splinter had set for my training period."

I let out a small laugh, shaking my head ruefully as I turned to look at Raph for the first time since I started my story. "It seemed like such a great adventure at first. I was on my own for the first time in my life. I had no one to answer to, no rules to follow, no one to worry about except myself. It had been a long time since I had felt so free, and it was awesome."

One corner of Raph's mouth turned up slightly in a small smile. "Yeah, I guess that _would_ be pretty awesome," he conceded, looking away from me and staring at a spot on the far wall. "Hell, I guess three months away from Mikey would be enough to get _anyone_ excited."

I shook my head. "It _was_ awesome," I repeated, "for like the first week. Then, I woke up one morning to a whole flock of birds singing and squawking from the trees all around me. It was pretty spectacular, and I was completely caught up in the show. Then suddenly I started thinking about Mikey, and how if he were there, he would probably try to sketch all the different birds he saw, or how Donnie would go on and on about the variety of species represented and their ecological role in the forest ecosystem. And you would make fun of us all for being so enamored by a bunch of stupid birds."

I stopped, remembering then how the loneliness had hit me from out of nowhere, stealing my breath and leaving my chest aching. I had thought of my brothers and my father, and suddenly I had wanted nothing more than to go back home…leave the wonders of the jungle behind me and just hurry back as quickly as I could.

"It was pretty pathetic, actually." I admitted quietly. "Suddenly I felt like a little kid at his first slumber party, surrounded by fun, but just wanting to go home." I glanced at Raph from the corner of my eye, half expecting him to make fun of me for my admission of being homesick.

He turned to look at me, but I saw no amusement on his face, "If you really missed us all so much, then why did you stay away so long?" he asked simply. "And why did you write to us for a few months and then all of a sudden stop? We had no idea what to think, Leo. For a while there we wondered if you were even still alive!"

And here it was…the anger and betrayal Raph had been keeping so carefully in check was bleeding out in his words, in the look in his eyes as he stared at me. I knew he deserved a good explanation for my behavior, I just wasn't sure I had one for him.

"I know," I whispered, "And I'm sorry, Raph…I really am. I know that doesn't make up for it, but it's the truth. After that first week, everything just got so _hard._ I knew Master Splinter had sent me to train, to hone my mind and to expand my strength, I just didn't know _how._ I didn't really know what it was he wanted from me, or how to know it when I achieved it. The last thing I wanted was to come home a failure, but no matter how hard I tried, I still didn't feel like I was accomplishing _anything_! I was so frustrated. Time just kept flowing by, the end of my training was fast approaching, and yet I felt like I had _nothing_ to show for it!"

Suddenly unable to sit still any longer, I jumped from the bed, pacing the small confines of the room like some caged animal.

"And what made everything worse," I continued harshly, my tone dripping with self condemnation, "was I couldn't stop thinking about home…about you guys. I would obsess about it! I couldn't sit down to meditate or go for a run through the jungle without thoughts of you guys interfering with my concentration. I'd wonder about Don, and whether he was getting enough rest or staying up all night tinkering with his inventions. I worried about Mikey growing fat and lazy watching TV all day and shirking all his training. I worried about _you…_ wandering off in search of a good time and ending up with your head bashed in. There wasn't a scenario that I didn't consider and worry about. It was driving me crazy!"

I paused in my pacing, turning to find Raph staring at me in barely veiled surprise, my admission having obviously caught him off guard.

"It just kept getting worse," I admitted bitterly. "Every time I wrote to you guys, knowing all along that you couldn't write back, I worried a little more. I wanted nothing more than to rush home and make sure you were all alright, but at the same time, I couldn't stand the thought of facing Master Splinter with my failure. Then one day, it all just sort of dawned on me…"

"What dawned on you?" Raph asked quietly when I didn't immediately continue.

I shrugged, looking away. "That maybe this was exactly why Sensei sent me away in the first place. He has always told me that as the leader, I sometimes take on too much…worry too much, and that I allow it to cloud my vision. He has always sought to teach me the balance between being a leader and…well," I glanced at Raph from the corner of my eye, "…and mothering you all too much."

Raph snorted, drawing one knee up and clasping his hands around it. "Well, he's right about that," he stated dryly. "You've always been a bit of a mother hen, Leo. We're grown turtles, ya know, ninjas, perfectly capable of looking out for ourselves."

I winced a little at his statement, remembering the harsh words thrown between us only a few nights ago. I didn't think I could admit to my brother the full realization I had finally made in that jungle. The realization that my family might not need me as much as I thought they did, that in fact, _I_ might need _them_ more than they needed me. That realization had hurt more than I cared to admit. It was then that I had stopped writing, and I still didn't know whether it was more to punish them, or to punish me _._

"I just knew I couldn't let things continue the way they were," I answered quietly, turning away to stare into the distance. "I had to find a way to let go of my worry…to let go of you guys and turn my focus onto _me_! I had to figure out how to be me without you, if that makes sense. It was the only way I was going to achieve what Master Splinter sent me away for in the first place."

Raph let out a small sound, but I didn't turn to look at him. "So let me guess," he muttered, "you got so focused on _you_ that you completely forgot about _us_? No doing things halfway for you is there, Fearless?"

I hid my wince at his words, knowing I deserved them and also knowing that, if not entirely accurate, there was a grain of truth to his statement. I _had_ tried to forget my brothers, pushing thoughts of them to the farthest corners of my mind, refusing to allow them to continue to distract me. And most of the time I was successful. Well, okay, to be honest I was only successful about half of the time, but at least I was no longer driving myself crazy with thoughts of home and worries over what might be happening without me.

"I learned to focus better, yes," I answered simply, turning back to face my brother. "But that doesn't mean I forgot about you guys. I just felt like something was missing…like I hadn't completed what Splinter had sent me out to do. I had wasted so much time worrying about home that now I felt I needed to make up for it by staying longer and working harder than ever. It was the only option I had that I felt wouldn't dishonor our Master. Dishonor myself."

"Okay," Raph conceded, cocking his head to one side. "But a _year_ , Leo? Seems a bit much, even for a perfectionist like yourself."

"I didn't want to stay that long," I admitted. "I never _meant_ to stay that long. Truthfully, after about eight months I was making plans to come home. I still wasn't sure I had accomplished what I was meant to, but I was planning to come anyway. I just couldn't stay away any longer."

"And yet you did," Raph pointed out. "So what happened?"

"A local drug lord decided to move into the area," I answered simply, moving back to the bed and flopping down on the edge. "His name was Carlos Santoria, and he could have been Hun's twin when it comes to personality. All he cared about was drugs, money, and power, and he didn't care who he trampled in order to achieve them. He began sending his goons out into the villages in the jungle. They would rob them and then demand that they pay "protection" money to Santoria. But that wasn't the worst."

I closed my eyes and let out a deep breath, remembering the first time I had come across one of the villages Santoria's men had just visited. The sound of weeping had carried to me in the forest and I had crept closer to check it out. What I had witnessed had sickened me beyond words.

"One of the villages tried to resist. Santoria's men executed five of the villagers as an example, then dragged away several of the young men and women. I found out later he was forcing the boys into acting as his drug runners, and as for the girls…" I trailed off, not really wanting to continue. From the look on Raph's face, he didn't really need me to anyway.

"That was the worst," I continued. "Mostly Santoria just robbed them, with an occasional beating to prove his point, but by then the villagers all knew what he was capable of, and they were too scared to resist him. I couldn't just stand by and do nothing. I had to help them, Raph, in whatever little way that I could. I began picking off their raiding parties as they moved through the jungle. I didn't get them all, but I got enough to spook them. And the amazing part is, I finally felt like I was accomplishing something…like I finally had a purpose for being there! It was hard work. I was just one guy, and Santoria seemed to have an endless supply of thugs at his disposal. I barely slept and exhausted myself running between villages, but at least I was _doing_ something, and it felt right."

I glanced toward my brother, hoping he would understand. Raph looked back at me evenly, something bright and honest flickering in his gaze . "Yeah, I know what you mean," he said quietly. "Sometimes you can't just sit back and do nothin'."

I blinked at him, opening my mouth to reply when sudden realization hit. An image of Raph standing before me in his Nightwatcher gear flashed through my mind, his words echoing through my brain: _"at least the nightwatcher is_ doing _something!"_

I shut my mouth with an audible click.

When I had left, Splinter and I had discussed the best course of action for the family during my absence. We had decided that it would be safest if my brothers ceased the nightly patrols and refrained from any unnecessary confrontations while I was gone. I had known at the time that this order would be the hardest for my hot-headed brother. Raph was a turtle of action, thriving off the adrenaline high of late night fights and risky roof-top stunts. Predictably, when Splinter and I had made our wishes known, Raphael had been far from happy about it. A part of me had honestly _expected_ Raphael to disobey. A few late night scuffles when he was out with Casey was all but inevitable, really, and I hadn't worried too much about it. I was confident even Raph could keep himself under control for three months.

But then three months had turned to fourteen months.

I had come home and learned that my brother had been spending who knows how long masquerading as some late night vigilante. He had put not only himself in danger, but the rest of the family as well, and I had been furious. If he had been caught… I could still remember how my worry and fear had converted into white hot anger, the force of which had caught even _me_ off guard. I had spat venomous and hateful words at my brother, the result of which still sat like a led ball in the pit of my stomach.

I had gone away to become a better leader, and yet in less then three days of returning home, I had failed at it miserably. The shame of that was something I wasn't sure I would ever overcome.

The worst part was, in my anger, I hadn't put any thought into _why_ Raphael would have done what he had done. If I had, I might have come to realize sooner that _I_ was as much responsible for what had happened as Raph was.

As it was, the realization was just now fully hitting me.

Raphael was a protector by nature, one of the things we shared in common. When he saw someone in need, he had no choice but to step in (or as was often the case with Raphael, dive in) and help. It was simply a part of who he was. When I left, I had asked him to put that part of himself on hold. Perhaps that request wouldn't have been so absurd if I had returned when I was supposed to. But I hadn't. Instead, I had stayed away for well over a year, in effect, turning my reasonable request into something much more selfish and cruel. No wonder he had grown so angry and bitter during my absence. I had asked the impossible of him and then abandoned him, expecting him to be able to change the very nature of who he was. Had I honestly expected him to just sit idly by for over a year, patiently waiting for my return? It seemed so absurd to even think about, but in essence, that was exactly what I had asked of him. Of course my brother couldn't just sit and do nothing while I was gone, any more than I was able to sit and do nothing in that jungle.

It was a bitter truth to accept. And there was more too it than that. Now that I had finally realized the reasoning behind my brother's actions, I had to face the reason behind my _own_ violent reaction.

"I was jealous, you know," I whispered, swallowing hard and forcing myself to meet Raph's gaze.

He frowned, his features twisting in obvious confusion. "Jealous of what?" he asked.

"The Nightwatcher." I replied simply. His eyes widened in surprise, and I pushed to continue. "When I came home, Mikey kept going on and on about him. How great he was and how much good he was doing. I guess I felt a little guilty as well, knowing this guy was out there doing _our_ job. Even Donnie was impressed with the guy, though he did a better job of hiding it. And then you…" I trailed off, remembering Raph's heated words to me about the Nightwatcher. It had struck a nerve with me, hearing my brother's words of respect and praise for the night-time vigilante while simultaneously treating me with such cold disdain.

Raph stared at me, his expression flickering between defiance and regret, his posture stiff. He wasn't sure where I was going with this, but he was ready to defend.

"It's okay," I told him calmly. "I get it now. What I asked of you…it was...unreasonable. I can't really say I'm thrilled with how you went about it, but I wasn't here, and you couldn't just sit back and do nothing. I get that now, Raph."

He looked at me searchingly for a moment, as though trying to ascertain the truth in my words. Then he bit his lip, dropping his gaze down toward his lap.

I couldn't just leave it at that, so I reached out and grabbed his forearm, squeezing lightly to get his attention. "But I want you to know," I told him firmly, "last night…fighting against the stone generals…I wasn't fighting beside the Nightwatcher. I was fighting beside my _brother_!" I grinned slightly. "I'd kinda like to keep it that way, if you don't mind. He makes me stronger…"

Raph let out a small snort, lifting his head to look at me. I couldn't be sure, but his eyes seemed to be shining brighter than they had been a moment ago. It was probably just a trick of the light. Raphael did not cry…ever. "I'm just glad you got your ass home before that whole thing went down." He stated gruffly. "We couldn't have done it without you."

The words were simple, but I could hear the emotion in his voice, see it in his eyes as he leveled me with an unwavering stare. Raph was telling me a whole lot more than what his simple words implied. There was forgiveness and acceptance there, maybe even a hint of understanding. It was more than I had expected, but then, I had a bad habit of underestimating my brother.

"Me too, Raph," I replied softly. "Me too."

We sat in silence then, but it wasn't awkward or uncomfortable. On the contrary, I felt more at peace than I had in a _very_ long time. It felt almost like the old days. I knew that everything wouldn't automatically be fixed. Too much had happened between us for everything to be instantly forgiven and forgotten….too many misunderstandings, too much hurt and betrayal. But it was a step in the right direction, and for now, that was enough for me

"So," my brother eventually spoke up, "whatever happened with that Santoria guy?"

I sighed, realizing I had never really finished my story. "His guys just kept coming," I answered softly. "No matter how many I took out, he always just sent more to take their place. I was getting tired, Raph. I knew I couldn't keep it up. Then April showed up…"

I remembered how my heart had soared upon seeing her…a little piece of home that had somehow, inexplicably wandered into my lonely world. It had brought the homesickness that I'd managed to hold at bay for months crashing back down on me. She had told me about my brothers, and though I'd been careful not to show it, I had drank down her words like an alcoholic might drink the richest of wines. Learning that not everything was going as smoothly as hoped for at home had just made me want to jump up and race to the nearest airport so I could get home as soon as possible. The only thing that had stopped me was the sure knowledge that I was the only thing standing between Santoria's men and the innocent villagers who had come to depend on me.

April had told me that my brother's needed me, and I had realized then just how badly I had wanted to hear those words…how badly I wanted to believe them. I had made the decision right then and there that I had to go home…after all, my first responsibility was and always would be to my family. Still, I knew I couldn't just abandon the villagers to whatever fate Santoria had in store for them.

"As much as I wanted to come home with April, I had unfinished business there." I told Raph. "I had made the villagers my responsibility, and I _had_ to protect them. The problem was, I knew Santoria wouldn't stop. He would _never_ stop. He would just keep sending more men. I realized then that the only way the villagers would ever really be safe was…well, was if the head was cut of the snake, so to speak."

Raph looked at me steadily. "So, did you? Cut the head off the snake?" he asked.

I nodded, flashes of memory flitting through my mind: a rainy night, the lights of a large compound standing out on a hill, guards walking around with guns, Santoria sitting at his desk, a look of wide eyed terror on his face as my swords slashed down, a spray of red painting the wall behind the desk. I swallowed hard, silently begging my brother not to ask for any more detail.

As a trained ninja who had seen countless battles, I was no innocent when it came to killing. I never took pleasure in taking a life, and tried to avoid it whenever possible, but I did understand its necessity at times. I had killed to protect my family. I had killed to protect myself. I had killed in the heat of battle, where the choices boiled down to them or us.

Santoria had been different. With him, it had been murder, plain and simple. He hadn't died in the heat of battle, he had died sitting behind his desk, terror in his eyes. I hadn't even given him the opportunity to defend himself, not that it would have made any difference if I had. It didn't matter that he was a coldhearted bastard that had ruthlessly ordered the deaths of countless innocents. It didn't matter that killing him was the only way to save the villagers. It didn't even matter that he deserved to die. I had struck him down in cold blood, as heedless of his please for mercy as his men had been to the villagers' pleas. It was an act that I knew would stay with me for the rest of my life, a sour taste in my mouth and a stain on my honor that would never go away.

I could see the curiosity on Raph's face, but he must have seen something in my expression, because he didn't ask. Neither of us spoke for several long minutes, the silence filled with the echoes of memories best forgotten. Finally Raph shifted forward on the bed, pinning me with a strangely intense stare. "So, did you ever figure it out?" he asked.

I gave him a questioning look. "Figure what out?" I asked.

He shrugged, as though it didn't really matter all that much, but he was still looking at me with an intensity that almost made me want to squirm. "That whole 'me without you' stuff you were talking about?" he replied evenly. "Did you figure it out?"

I stared at him, at a momentary loss for words. I knew it was a simple question, but the answer was anything but. I had learned a lot about myself in my months away…some good and some bad, but I still wasn't completely sure I had it figured out yet. Or if I ever would for that matter.

"I'm not sure," I answered hesitantly. "There were times when I thought I had, but…" I trailed off, shaking my head. I felt my cheeks burn with sudden embarrassment, and I almost didn't say anything more, but I forced the words out before I could chicken out, knowing they needed to be said. "I learned one thing for sure, though. I learned that I need you guys. _All_ of you. More than I ever thought I did. Me without you? Well, truthfully it kinda sucked."

And there it was, the bare honesty laid out for whatever scrutiny and derision it deserved. I couldn't meet Raph' gaze, my eyes firmly fixed on the floor, wondering if I had made a mistake with my admission. It didn't seem like such a leader thing to admit to, but I had needed to say it nonetheless. Not as a leader, but as a brother. And maybe therein lay the key to it all…a truth so simple and yet complex beyond understanding.

The silence hung heavy between us, and still I couldn't lift my gaze, couldn't bear to see the expression on my brother's face. I heard him shifting on the bed, and a moment later his hand came to rest on my shoulder. I glanced up then, my blue eyes meeting his green, a world of communication passing between us in just a single glance.

"The other night on the roof," Raph began, pausing for a moment as though searching for the right words. "I told you that we didn't need you, that we had gotten along just fine without you."

I winced, remembering all too well the way those words had pierced through me, hurting more than I wanted to admit, confirming all my secret fears. My response had been to cover the hurt with anger, slashing back with my own words, spewing venom in an effort to hurt him as much as he had hurt me.

Some leader I was.

Raph squeezed my shoulder, as though sensing the direction of my thoughts and wanting to pull me back into the present. "It was all crap, Leo," he stated softly. "All of it. I was just so angry at you for leaving us for so long that I tried to convince myself we didn't need you. But I was wrong. We _do_ need you. We've _always_ needed you."

There was a simple honesty in Raph's face and voice that made me believe him when I otherwise might have doubted. It was a little pathetic how badly I had needed to hear those words, and how much they made my heart soar. If there was one thing my brother and I had gotten good at over the years, it was wounding each other with our words. But words could also heal, and in that moment I felt better than I had in over a year.

"I missed you Raph," I murmured, reaching up to grasp the forearm of the hand still clasping my shoulder.

Raph smiled at me, a genuine smile that I hadn't seen in a long time. "I missed you too, bro. Welcome home."

The End.

 _Well, there it is. Hope you enjoyed. Let me know what you thought, and don't forget to send me story ideas (feels a bit like cheating, but oh well)!_


	2. Time Flies

_Hello All._

 _Okay, I'm back with my first request. An anonymous reviewer asked me to write a story about how the guys found out Leo was leaving, and about his time away. I had so many ideas, I could have written a full length fanfic about it, but after much work I got it narrowed down to the below. Hope you all enjoy._

 **TIME FLIES**

 **Category: 2007 Movie Verse**

 **Genre: General / Angst**

 **Rating: K**

 **Characters: All four turtles, Splinter, April**

 **Summary: Leo leaves for South America, setting into motion a series of events that bring about drastic changes in the lives of his family.**

 _Excerpt from the Journal of Donatello Hamato:_

 _It was just an ordinary day._

 _Looking back on it now, I treasure that day. That final day where everything unfolded exactly as it was supposed to, and none of us had any idea our lives were about to be turned on their heads. We ate together, trained together, patrolled together, and joked together, just like any other day, never knowing it would be the last time we would do so._

 _Leo already knew, but if he gave any clues throughout the day, I totally missed them. Not that I'm surprised by that. Leo's pretty hard to read sometimes, and when he wants to keep something to himself it's easier to get a tree to talk than my oldest brother. Still, I can't help but think that if I had only paid a little better attention, maybe I would have picked something up._

 _Splinter also knew…I mean, the whole thing was his idea in the first place, so of course he did. But it's no secret where Leo learned is enigmatic ways, so there's no surprise our Master didn't reveal anything either. And maybe that was the point. Maybe that final day was somehow a gift from them to us. They knew everything was about to change, so they gave us that last day to hold onto in the long months to come._

 _If I ever see my oldest brother again, I think I'll thank him for that. Thank him for that one, perfectly ordinary day before everything changed…_

 **One year prior**

 _RAPH'S POV_

"Raph."

The quiet call of my name had me jerking upright in my hammock, my hands slipping beneath my pillow to find the hilts of my Sais. But even as my fingers circled the familiar leather grips, my body relaxed, recognizing the shadowy form in my doorway even while half asleep.

"Family meeting in the dojo in five minutes."

The form disappeared, leaving me staring groggily at the empty door, struggling to fully wake up. I turned to peer at the clock on the stand beside me, blinking several times before the glowing red digits came into focus. I was startled to see that it was only 4:00 in the morning. We had returned from patrol shortly after midnight, which meant I'd only been in bed for a few short hours. I felt the call of sleep trying to lure me back to my pillow, but curiosity outweighed it, and I swung my legs to the cold cement floor.

It only took a few minutes to slip into my gear and secure my Sais to my belt, and then I padded silently out into the hallway. I almost ran into Mikey as he stumbled from his room across the hall, a huge yawn splitting his face as he clumsily tied his mask into place. He hadn't bothered to grab his pads or his weapons, obviously hopeful for a quick return to his bed.

"Wa's going on?" he asked, his jaws cracking around yet another yawn.

"Get to the dojo and you'll find out," I responded briskly, not wanting to admit that I had no more idea than he did.

Leo had called early morning meetings before, but not very often, and only when something major was going down. I racked my brain, but I couldn't come up with any good explanation for this morning's early wakeup call. Things had been quiet lately, the Shredder defeated and his clan in hiding. Patrols were almost boring anymore, nothing exciting or concerning happening in weeks!

Not that you would know all this from how tense and uptight Leo was acting of late. Instead of relaxing now that Shredder was gone, he seemed restless and agitated, stalking around the lair like a caged cat. I wasn't sure what had crawled up his shell, but his behavior was starting to get on my nerves. We'd been fighting even more than normal lately, butting heads just about any time we were in the same room together.

Which was why yesterday had been so strange. It had almost seemed like Leo had gone out of his way _not_ to fight with me, ignoring jabs and comments that normally would have set him off, and refusing to be bated into an argument. I thought maybe he had finally just grown tired of all our fighting, but usually when that happened he just avoided me all day. Yesterday he had spent nearly the entire day by my side. I would never admit it, but it had been kinda nice...like the old days, before the responsibility of leadership had tied his shell in knots. Back then we had been more than just brothers, we had been best friends.

Donnie joined us in the hall just as we were about to head down the stairs, looking far more awake than anyone had a right to be at 4:00 in the morning. Knowing Donnie that was probably because he hadn't even gone to sleep yet, tinkering around with one or another of his projects. He wore his mask and pads, but left his Bo staff behind in his room.

"Think there's time to brew a pot of coffee?" he asked, the question aimed at no one in particular. If he was curious about the early morning meeting he wasn't showing it. Which meant he already knew what was going on, or his thoughts were still on his project and it hadn't even dawned on him yet just how early it was. Judging from the distracted look on his face, I was leaning toward the second option.

I grunted an answer that Donnie must have taken for a no, because he only shot a single, longing look toward the kitchen before following Mikey and I down the hall and into the dojo. Master Splinter and Leo were waiting for us there, sitting on the far side of the large room. Like myself, Leo was dressed in full gear with his weapons in their customary spot on his back. A small blue backpack sat on the floor beside him.

"Sit my sons," Splinter commanded as we reached them, and we all obediently sank to the floor. Following their lead we sat in the relaxed cross legged position rather than kneeling, the atmosphere more intimate than formal. I caught Leo's gaze briefly, arching an eye ridge in silent question, but he merely shook his head slightly and looked away, his expression unreadable.

"I know it is early," Splinter stated once we were all seated, "but there is an important matter that we must discuss, and then you may return to your rest."

"Is something wrong, Sensei?" Mikey asked, looking uncharacteristically worried. I couldn't say I blamed him. A hard knot of apprehension was beginning to form in the pit of my stomach, though I couldn't exactly explain why.

Splinter calmly shook his head. "Nothing is wrong, Michelangelo," he assured softly. "Leonardo and I merely have something we wish to tell you."

"And it couldn't wait until after breakfast?" I grumbled, not really angry but needing to distract myself from my own growing sense of unease.

"It could not," Splinter answered simply, turning to glance at Leo, a small dip of his chin inviting my older brother to take the lead in the conversation.

Leo nodded slightly, then turned to face us, his expression that same neutral blank he adopted whenever he didn't want any of us knowing what he was thinking. "I'm going away for a while," he announced without preamble, his voice as emotionless as his face. "I'll be traveling to Central American where I will work to hone and sharpen my skills while living on my own."

Dead silence met his announcement.

I didn't need to look at Mikey and Donnie to know they were every bit as shocked as I was. For a moment I had no idea what to say, partly convinced that this was all some elaborate hoax. If it had been anyone other than Splinter and Leo I would have been certain of it, but those two weren't exactly known for their practical jokes. Still, none of us had ever left the lair on our own before…not for more than a couple of nights. Our strength and our protection lay in our unity. It was something we had learned from a very young age. Surely I must have misunderstood what Leo had just said.

I waited a moment for my brother to clarify, but both he and Splinter just sat there watching us, their expressions almost identical, calm and collected as always. For some reason it pissed me off.

"I…" Mikey began, but I cut him off.

"What the hell?" I demanded, not even caring that I was swearing in front of Master Splinter. He frowned at me in mild disapproval, but I wasn't really looking at him. All my attention was on my older brother. "So that's it?" I demanded, my tone accusing. "You're just _going away_ for a while? That's all you've got to say?"

Leo opened his mouth to respond, but Splinter interjected smoothly, "It was my idea, Raphael. Were he a regular student of Ninjitsu he would have already undertaken this journey. It is a necessary step if he is to ever take his place as leader of our clan. With the Shredder's demise, I felt it was the perfect time for him to train on his own."

"But Sensei," Mikey argued, looking back and forth between Splinter and Leo with growing alarm. "You can't really expect him to go out there all alone? If someone finds him…" he trailed off, his eyes round with fear.

"Relax Mikey," Leo soothed. "You don't have to worry about me being discovered. We found a location that's remote enough I should have no trouble remaining unseen."

"That's all well and good," Donnie spoke up for the first time, frowning over at Leo, "but that doesn't mean you'll be safe. What if you get hurt? Or lost? Or sick? You'll have no backup and no way to call for help."

Leo smiled slightly, the gesture never reaching his eyes. "I never said it would be _easy,_ Donnie. That would kinda ruin the whole point, don't you think? But I don't think you're giving me enough credit here. I'm a trained ninja. I think I can survive a few months alone in the jungle."

"I few months!" Mikey's voice came out high pitched with incredulity. "You're going to be gone for a few _months?"_

"It is not customary to set a time limit for these training runs," Splinter replied calmly. "The ninja must decide for himself when he has learned what is required. For some it is a matter of months and for others it is…longer. With that being said, Leonardo and I have discussed this and I believe three months should be sufficient time to accomplish his task."

Three months. Leo was going to be gone for three months. If someone had told me this a few days ago when we were in the middle of one of our heated arguments I might have said good riddance. But it would have been the anger talking, not me. In all honestly I could hardly comprehend three months without Leo. He was our oldest brother, our leader. It just felt _wrong_ somehow.

"When are you leaving?" My voice was even, but inside I felt like a boiling pot of mixed emotions, unsure exactly _what_ to think.

Leo hesitated, and I could see in his eyes that I wasn't going to like his answer.

"This morning," he finally replied, his voice almost whisper soft. "There's a cargo plane heading out later today. I plan to sneak onboard while they're loading, right around dawn."

I shouldn't have been surprised, but I was. Of course Leo was leaving right away. Why else would they have called this meeting so early? They had obviously planned and worked out all the details, so there was nothing to hold them back. The only question was…

"Why didn't you tell us?" Donnie demanded, speaking before I could. There was a hint of uncharacteristic anger in his voice, which I understood completely. I didn't like the idea that Leo had been keeping this a secret from us for who knows how long. If they had told us earlier at least we would have had a chance to get used to the idea of it before Leo up and disappeared from our lives. It wasn't fair of them to spring it on us like this.

"We thought it best to wait until everything was in order," Leo explained quietly. "I just found out about the cargo plane yesterday. I thought I'd have more time to prepare, but I can't afford to let this opportunity pass by. It's all happening so fast…" He trailed off, and for a brief moment his calm composure slipped, his blue eyes flickering with a depth of emotion that was difficult to read in its complexity. The emotions were there for only a second before my brother once again gained control, his neutral mask slipping firmly back into place. "I'm sorry I didn't have more time to prepare you," he finished evenly, his blue eyes meeting my own briefly before he looked away.

I frowned, not sure if I was ready to except his explanation. Still, I couldn't help but imagine what I would be feeling if I were in his shoes. I'd be lying if I said I'd never thought about going off on my own for a time, but never so far away or for so long. As annoying as my family could be, I knew I could never be apart from them for long. We were too close, our experiences and struggle for survival bonding us together in a way few other siblings would ever experience. I would never admit it, but I knew that if I were in his shoes, facing the strange and unknown alone, I would be terrified out of my shell.

Perhaps Leo hadn't told us before because he was still trying to come to grips with it all himself?

"So what happens now?" Mikey asked quietly, breaking into my thoughts and pulling my attention back to the conversation at hand. "What are we supposed to do while you're gone?"

"That is what I wanted to talk to you all about," Splinter replied, fixing us each with a firm stare. "There will be certain rules that I will expect you to follow while Leonardo is away. First and most important, there will be no patrols while he is gone. You will…"

"What!?" I exclaimed, rudely cutting him off as his words sent a thrill of alarm through me. He couldn't be serious! "Master Splinter, we can't just stop patrolling for three months! There are people out there who need us. Protecting the city is our job. We can't just stop!"

Splinter shook his head. "You will be a group without a leader, a party of three when you are used to four. It will cause an imbalance that could prove to be dangerous. There will be no patrols. You will be allowed to visit Miss O'Neil on occasion, but otherwise will remain in the lair or close by."

"But Sensei," I began, only to cut off as he lifted one paw, his eyes flashing in a way that told me he would accept no more arguments.

"Enough Raphael. I have made my decision."

I clapped my mouth shut, silently seething. The thought of being confined to the lair for three months wasn't just distasteful, it was downright intolerable. It was just like being grounded, only this time we had done nothing wrong to deserve the punishment. The unfairness of it all had me clenching my hands into tight fists as I glared down at the mats.

"You will continue your daily trainings with me," he went on, ignoring my visible anger and frustration, "but the extra sessions Leonardo led will be canceled. I expect each of you to use the extra time wisely."

"Hai Sensei," Mikey and Donnie chorused, their subdued voices indicating their own reluctance.

"Raphael?"

"Hai Sensei," I ground out between clenched teeth. I glanced up and my eyes met Leo's. He was frowning at me, intolerant of any disrespect toward Master Splinter. I glared back at him, not really caring what he thought. _He_ wouldn't be confined to the lair for three months.

Leo opened his mouth, but whatever he was going to say was interrupted by a small beeping sound coming from the phone on his belt. We all watched him expectantly as he drew the device free and pressed the button on the side to mute the alarm. He looked up at us and I could see his throat move as he swallowed hard, but his face remained passive . "It's time for me to go," he stated softly, addressing the room at large. He rose to his feet in a single, graceful motion, and the rest of us were quick to follow.

Suddenly the enormity of what was happening settled on me like a heavy blanket. Leo was seconds away from walking out the door, and it would be months before I saw him again. In that moment I wasn't sure exactly how I was supposed to feel.

Leo turned to Splinter and bowed deeply. "S _hitsurei shimasu,"_ he murmured softly.

Splinter reached out to lay a hand on Leo's shoulder. "I _tterasshai,"_ he whispered in reply. "We will wait for your return."

Leo turned to face us, and I could tell the smile on his face was a little forced. "I'll see you all later," he stated hurriedly, reaching down and grabbing the small bag I had seen earlier and slinging it over one shoulder. "I'll write whenever I can."

We all mumbled our acknowledgement, and for a moment everything froze, long seconds slipping by as we stared at him and he stared back at us. It was obvious that none of us really knew how to say goodbye, probably because we never had really had to before. It was yet another testament to just how screwed up this whole situation really was.

Leo reached out and handed his phone to Donnie, who took it with reluctance. The phone would be of absolutely no use out in the middle of the jungle, but we had all been trained to never leave the lair without it. It drove home all over again just how isolated and alone Leo would be. The thought turned my stomach.

"Take care of each other," Leo finally murmured, his blue eyes once again awash with that confusing mix of emotions that I suddenly didn't want to see. It looked like he wanted to say more, but instead he merely raised one hand in a small wave even as he quickly turned away and headed for the door. Some part of my brain noted distantly that he was moving fast, as though he had to get away as quickly as possible.

From the corner of my eye I saw Mikey take a small step forward, his mouth opening and one arm rising as though he were about to call Leo back. But nothing came out, and then our brother was gone, leaving us all standing there in numb silence. A moment later the low grind of the main door opening and then sliding shut again echoed back to us, the sound seeming to carry a finality to it that I did not understand. It all seemed so surreal. I felt like there was something I should have done, something I should have said, but I didn't know what, and it was too late now anyway.

Master Splinter released a deep sigh, looking at us with an unreadable expression on his face. "Try to get some rest," he ordered solemnly, his dark eyes resting on each of us in turn. "There will be no practice in the morning." With this last statement he turned away from us and headed toward the door, something about his posture making him look more worn and weary then I could ever remember seeing him before. I told myself it was just due to the early hour.

After he had gone we stood in silence for a while longer, none of us really knowing what to do or say. I could read the questions in my brothers' faces, the same questions that haunted my own mind. I had no answers, which of course only made me angry. My emotions were such a confused jumble within my mind, I knew it would take some time to sort them all out.

Without a glance or word to my two remaining brothers, I turned and strode from the dojo and back toward my room, knowing I wouldn't be able to sleep, but wanting to be alone for a while. As I passed through the living area I couldn't help looking toward the lair entrance, a part of me secretly hoping to find Leo still standing there. I don't know why. I still had no more idea of what to say to him then I did before.

It didn't matter.

Leo was long gone.

 _ **TWO MONTHS GONE—Mikey's POV**_

Sweat beaded on my forehead, tiny droplets that threatened to run down into my eyes and blind me. I yearned to rub them away, but I knew I couldn't afford even that tiniest of movements, lest I make a foolish mistake and meet an untimely end. My muscles ached and throbbed, my entire body stiff from holding my position for hours on end, but I told myself that I was nearing the end. The prize was in sight, the fruit of all my labor. I just had to hold out for a little while longer.

A loud crash from somewhere behind me had me jump, my attention wavering for just a moment, my eyes flickering away from the enemy that should have held my entire focus...the enemy that could end me in the space of a heartbeat. All it would take was a single hit…

"MIKEY!"

I flinched at the loud yell, my fingers slipping ever so slightly, my eyes widening as I realized too late my costly error. I had no time to jump out of the way before my enemy was on me, and with a single strike…

GAME OVER

I stared at the TV in disbelief, the controller falling limply to my lap as the last two hours of concentration and effort disappeared into a black screen and six blinking words. " _Would you like to try again?"_

"Mikey!"

Raph's bellow proceeded him into the living room, and I turned to scowl at him as he stalked toward me.

"Where did you put my box of HoHos?," Raph demanded angrily. "I keep them in the tin above the stove, but they're not there! If you ate them…!" He trailed off threateningly, looming over me where a sat on the couch, his expression and posture promising certain violence.

I clenched my jaw, fighting to keep my calm and composure. The sting of my loss was sharp, and a part of me wanted to give my brother just what he wanted, a fight. Two months being cooped up in the lair, and Raph was a simmering volcano ready to erupt at the slightest provocation. Lately Donnie and I had been doing our best to avoid him whenever possible, knowing it was only a matter of time before one of us became a target for his simmering anger and frustration. Looks like I was the lucky winner this time. Yay for me.

"I didn't eat your HoHo's," I answered stiffly, staring up at him defiantly. "You had the last one last night after dinner, remember? I watched you throw the box away."

Raph glared at me, opening his mouth to retort, but a second later he closed it again as he realized I was right. I waited for an apology, but I shouldn't have wasted my time. Raph merely muttered something beneath his breath before turning and stalking from the room toward the dojo. A few moments later the soft thud of fists meeting practice dummy drifted out to me.

I sighed, trying to push away my own simmering frustration. The lair wasn't big enough for _two_ turtles with bad attitudes, and since Raph had pretty much claimed that title since he was five, I supposed he had first dibs. Besides, holding grudges and pouting wasn't really in my nature. It took far too much work.

Sinking back into the couch, I found my eyes drifting toward the entrance to the lair, an unintentional habit I had developed over the last couple of months. Even knowing it was too early yet, I couldn't help the wild hope that I would find my oldest brother standing there. I would run over, give him the hug I should have given before he left, and then beg him to take us all out on a nice long training run up top. He could tell us all about Central America, and the rest of us could finally run free. Raph would stop being as touchy as a porcupine, Donnie would finally take some time away from his lab, and things would finally go back to being normal.

It's funny, I never would have thought that I would miss normal, but I do. A lot. It's been fun to play video games almost all day, but truthfully, even that gets old after a while.

Speaking of which…

I returned my attention back to the tv, the words still flashing cheerfully across the screen seeming to mock me. I was not overly enthused with the idea of starting all over again, but then again, what else did I have to do?

With another barely audible sigh I pressed start.

 _ **FOUR MONTHS GONE—Donnie's POV**_

I sat at my desk in the lab, staring down at the thick notebook in front of me. The lines were filled with rows and rows of neat script, each one followed by a tiny red checkmark. The notebook was one I'd had for years and had come to refer to as my "project book". Anytime something got broken around the lair, or I had an idea for a cool new gadget, I would add it to this book, proudly checking it off the list once it was completed. In a way, it was a log of my accomplishments, and I often enjoyed thumbing back through it as one might review a journal or diary, fondly remembering past projects.

I frowned slightly, my eyes scanning over the last entry in the notebook: _Repair front driveshaft sprocket on motorcycle._ I glanced across the lab to where Raph's beloved bike sat pristine and shining, then back down to the notebook. With a small sigh I placed a single red checkmark next to the entry, then sat back in my chair and glared at the project book as though it had somehow betrayed me.

In all the years I had been keeping the book, I had never once found myself in this position; with every item checked neatly off. In truth, I had often complained to whoever would listen…mostly Leo…that my project list was so long I would _never_ get a chance to complete everything. What with the never-ending schedule of training and patrols, it had always seemed like I'd never had enough time to devote to my projects, no matter how many late nights I put in.

But then Leo had gone away, and suddenly I'd found myself with more time than I could ever dream of. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that a part of me was secretly thrilled. Not that my brother was gone, of course, but that I was finally getting to devote some real time to my projects. Several months had passed, and I had gotten more done than I could have in a full year under normal circumstances. The little red checkmarks had mounted up rapidly, and I couldn't have been more pleased.

But sometime in the last few weeks, something had changed. Leo had missed his expected return date, and I had suddenly come to the surprising realization that I was ready for things to get back to normal. The _old_ normal. I had always valued my time in the lab, but I was beginning to realize that some of that value came from the simple fact that I had to work hard for it, that I didn't get it nearly as often as I had liked. Without that aspect, the cold truth was the lab and my project book had lost some of its appeal. So much so that I was having a hard time coming up with more projects to add to the list.

Which was the cause of my current predicament.

With a small sigh I reached out and flipped the notebook closed, than rose from my chair and stretched. My eyes wandered around the room as my brain struggled to comprehend the foreign notion of boredom. I needed something to do. I needed a job.

 _A job?_

My brow furrowed slightly as that simple thought awakened a whole slew of ideas and considerations. I'd never really thought all that much about working a job. A _real_ job, with recorded hours, paychecks, and supervisors checking your work. I knew there were online jobs I could get without ever having to physically interact with any humans, but there had never really been any _time_ or desire to pursue those options. It wasn't like our family couldn't use the money, but we'd always found other ways of getting by, and the topic of taking on a job had never really come up.

But now that the thought had entered my mind, I couldn't seem to banish it. A thousand different scenario's and "what ifs" flashed through my head, intriguing and surprisingly tempting. It would be something new and challenging, and I'd always enjoyed a challenge. Not to mention it would be nice to have a little extra money on hand for a change. It wouldn't even be all that difficult to make it work.

I shook my head, frowning at my own foolishness. _'Forget it,'_ I told myself firmly. Leo would be back any day now and then I'd be right back to having no time to spare. It was just a foolish notion.

Firmly putting the thought from my mind, I left the lab and went in search of Mikey. A movie night suddenly seemed the perfect thing to take my mind off my unsettled thoughts, and the worrisome continued absence of our oldest brother.

 _ **SIX MONTHS GONE-Raph's POV**_

The motorcycle roared beneath me, its power felt through the strong thrum of its engine, the vibrations traveling through my body in an exhilarating wave. I pushed even more speed out of the bike, weaving back and forth around the thin traffic, ignoring the occasional honk or shout that followed me down the dark road. My overly large trench coat and pants pressed against my flesh, flapping behind me in the wind caused by my passage. My enclosed helmet felt huge and awkward on my head, and I had to resist the urge to pull it off and just revel in the wind hitting my face, and to hell with whoever might see me. I was going too fast for anyone to get a clear look anyway, and I didn't plan to slow down anytime soon.

The excitement of finally being free of the stifling confines of the lair was _almost_ enough to drown out my simmering anger. Almost.

We had gotten a letter from Leo today. The first one in months. It had been short and irritatingly vague, stating nothing more than that he was doing fine but wouldn't be home for a while. No explanations. No apologies. Just a short, four sentenced _screw you_.

Mikey, who had been nearly dancing with excitement when April had first brought the letter down, had visibly wilted with disappointment. Even Master Splinter had seemed surprised and a little upset by the short note, retiring to the dojo for his evening meditation with a small frown upon his furry face. Donnie had seemingly shrugged the letter off, making no comment and simply asking April if she had a moment to discuss an idea he had with him. Only someone who knew him well, like I did, would have seen the tenseness in his shoulders and the hidden hurt in his brown eyes.

And that was what pissed me off. If it had just been me, I probably could have handled the obvious lack of care and effort put into the letter. After all, Leo and I had been communicating like that for years…short and to the point. But seeing the hurt and disappointment in my family made my blood simmer with anger. How _dare_ he? It would have been better if he hadn't written at all! It was obvious he didn't really want to. He had probably only done it out of a sense of obligation, the stupid prick. If I'd had a way to write back to him, I would have told him just where he could stick that obligation, and the pencil and paper in which he had written as well!

' _He doesn't care.'_ I silently seethed, careening around a corner and leaving a thick patch of rubber on the road behind me. _'He's had a taste of freedom, and now his family is nothing more than a leash holding him back.'_

That thought _hurt_ , though I didn't want to admit it, even to myself. It was easier to feel angry than to feel the pain. Of all my brothers, Leo would have been the _last_ one I would have pegged to abandon us. And yet I couldn't help but feel like that was exactly what he was doing.

With a low growl I slid around yet another corner, laying the bike nearly horizontal with the ground in order to make the tight turn. As soon as I came back up I pushed the throttle and raced down the nearly deserted street, trying vainly to outrun the ugly thoughts filling my head.

I was breaking Splinter's direct command by coming up here, but I had been unable to stay in the lair a moment longer or I was sure I would explode with the force of my emotions. Six months cooped up in the lair with nothing but an occasional trip up to April's apartment, and I was beyond my breaking point. I'd followed their stupid rules for twice as long as originally expected, but now I was done! If Leo was free to roam around without restrictions, then I should be as well. If he had a problem with it, then he would just have to get his shell home and take it up with me face to face.

I frowned as I imagined exactly how that reunion would go. Definitely not how I had pictured it three months ago.

Pushing those thoughts from my head I made another turn, the bike taking me deeper in the quieter, more deserted parts of town. These were the streets I knew the best. The streets that seemed somehow darker and more ominous once the sun went down. These were the streets crawling with gang bangers and druggies out to get a quick score, a part of the city where few honest people dared venture after dark.

It was just the place I wanted to be, because tonight, I was looking for a fight. I didn't even try to deny it. Pounding a practice dummy could only relieve so much frustration. I needed to feel like I was _doing_ something, like I was making a difference. Clearing a bit of scum off the streets was the perfect way to kill two birds with one stone; relieve frustration while also making the city just a tiny bit safer. Sure, a part of me felt bad about going against Splinter's direct orders, but that part was easy to squash beneath the thrill and anticipation of upcoming battle.

Ahead of me several dark shadows slipped down an alleyway, their furtive glances and hunched shoulders telling me everything I needed to know. Beneath my helmet I could feel a feral grin stretch across my face as I began to slow the bike down. Perhaps the figures I had seen were simply out for a harmless stroll through dank, stinking alleys, but I doubted it. My instincts told me they were up to no good, and my instincts were rarely wrong. They probably thought that they could do whatever they wanted in the darkness of night, but they were about to learn differently.

In that moment I made a sudden decision, one that sent a thrill of excitement and purpose throughout my entire body. My brothers might be willing to sit patiently by and wait for Leo to decide whether he wanted to come home, but I wasn't. Not anymore. These streets had been left to the gangs and thieves for too long. If no one else would do something about it, then I would!

I would be the silent guardian of these streets. I would be the watcher of the night.

Tonight, everything would change.

 _ **EIGHT MONTHS GONE—April's POV**_

"You have a letter, April?"

I let out a small shriek of surprise, whipping around to find Mikey standing directly behind me. When I had stepped into the lair a few moments ago it had seemed completely deserted, so having Mikey appear out of thin air was a bit of shock.

I clapped a hand to my wildly beating heart and ruefully chided myself for my reaction. The guys were experts at moving around unheard, but they had quickly learned how much I hated being surprised, and for the most part they tried to announce their presence through a subtle cough or extra loud footstep. I appreciated the effort they put into saving me a little dignity.

Most of the time, that is.

I glared at Mikey, but he merely gave me a small smile and a rueful shrug. Even after all the years I had known them, it never ceased to amaze me just how _quietly_ they could move, even when they weren't really trying.

"One of these days you're going to sneak up on me when I'm armed, and I don't think you'll like the results," I stated crossly.

If anything Mikey's grin grew wider, but he made no response, merely tipped his chin toward the letter I held clenched in my right hand.

I sighed, feeling my irritation disappear as quickly as it had come, replaced by an odd sort of aching sadness. "It's…it's not from Leo, Mikey," I admitted softly, suddenly wishing I had tucked the letter away in my purse before barging in here thoughtlessly. If I had just used my head for a moment I could have spared Mikey some pain.

The grin slipped from his face, but he merely nodded. "Right." He turned and walked away toward the kitchen, whistling idly. I watched him go sadly, not at all sure I liked how good he had gotten at hiding his disappointment.

' _Oh Leo, why don't you come home? Or at least write more often. Don't you know your family misses you desperately? Mikey's always shown it the most, but they_ all _miss you. Even Raph, though he covers his pain with anger. Every day I watch them struggle to move on without you, and it breaks my heart.'_

I closed my eyes, wishing that Leo could somehow hear my silent words. I was certain if he knew how much his family missed him, Leo would race home as fast as he could. But of course it would never even occur to him. Leo had always suffered from an underdeveloped sense of personal worth. He would never believe that his family needed him with such desperate intensity.

Shaking my head sadly, I opened my eyes, the white envelope of the letter catching my attention. I reminded myself that I had come down here for a reason…an exciting reason…and I wouldn't allow myself to ruin it with dark thoughts. Tucking the letter under my arm, I headed straight for the lab, almost bumping into Donnie in the doorway.

"Oh, hi April," he greeted, flashing me a genuine smile that helped wipe away the last tendrils of sadness. "What brings you down here?"

I returned his smile with one of my own. "I came down to deliver something," I answered happily. Then, remembering the incident with Mikey and not wanting to repeat it with Donnie, I quickly handed over the letter. "It's from Tellcom," I explained hurriedly. "I think it's your first check."

Donnie stared at the envelope in surprise, then slowly took it from my hand. A look of eager excitement crossed his features, and he wasted no more time tearing the end from the envelope and dumping its contents into his hand. His eyes quickly skimmed over the paper, and then he was looking back at me with wide eyes.

"I've never gotten a check before," he whispered. "Look April. It's made out to me, Donnie Hamato." He showed me the check, one thick finger boldly pointing to his name.

"Your name, your check," I agreed brightly. "Congratulations Donnie. You've worked hard for this."

I was truly happy for Donnie. When he had talked to me two months ago about his plan for getting an online job I hadn't really known _what_ to think. The very notion had seemed so foreign and strange. But after listening to Donnie talk for over an hour I had come to the realization that he had put a lot of thought into it and had already made up his mind. At that point I knew there was nothing I could do but support him in whatever way I could. I knew the work was well below Donnie's skills, but it gave him a productive outlet for the restlessness I had seen growing in him more and more with each passing day. I supposed it also served as a nice distraction against Leo's continued absence, and the worry over what that absence might mean.

"So, are you working today?" I asked, glancing behind him toward his work station, noting his computer was turned off.

Donnie shook his head, carefully folding the check and slipping it into his belt. "No. They told me I was working too many hours. I have to take the next two days off."

I laughed out loud at that, shaking my head. "Donnie Hamato working too hard? Unheard of!" I reached out and thunked him lightly on the back of the shell. "You know, if you're going to be a legitimate part of the working class, you need to develop the right attitude. Days off are a _good_ thing, Don."

Donnie smiled at me, shrugging self-consciously. "I suppose you're right."

I peered back into the lab at his cramped desk, still shaking my head. "You know what else is a good thing? Having some room. I think you should move your desk out here so you have a little more space. Then you could watch TV between calls or hang out with your brothers."

Donnie frowned, seeming to consider my suggestion. Then he smiled and nodded. "Doesn't sound like a bad idea. Want to help me move?"

 _ **TEN MONTHS GONE—Splinter's POV**_

"So you see Master Splinter, we have it all worked out. With your blessing, Mikey could be working in less than a week."

"Hmmm." I eyed my two sons kneeling before me, keeping all expression from my face as I watched them fidget slightly beneath my gaze. Michelangelo's expression was pleading, while Donatello seemed confident in the soundness of his reasoning and logic. "And did it not occur to either of you to seek my blessing _before_ you began your planning and preparation?"

Michelangelo immediately dropped his gaze, but Donatello's confidence never wavered. "We figured if we had all the logistics figured out you would see that it's a plausible option," he stated serenely.

"I see," I answered dryly. "And this costume you speak of…"

"It's perfect." Michelangelo interrupted excitedly, his contrition apparently short lived. "Donnie had it specially designed for me. It's made of a high grade foam and rubber combination that is all but impossible to tear. The headpiece locks into place so we won't have to worry about it accidentally getting knocked off. It will cover every inch of my body, and if anyone happens to feel my shell they'll just think it's part of the costume! It's totally awesome." Mikey exchanged a wide grin with Donatello, his excitement like a palpable cloud filling the air.

I slowly shook my head even as I felt my heart lighten with the obvious joy and enthusiasm of my youngest. Michelangelo had not been himself of late, and I had to admit that seeing some of his spark return was soothing to my soul. Of course, I'm not entirely sure I liked where that spark was coming from. It was shocking enough when Donatello decided to get a job, but at least he remained safe and anonymous down in the lair. With Michelangelo it would be an entirely different situation. I knew Donatello would not have decided to champion Mikey's idea unless he was confident his brother would be safe, but even so the protective father in me was having a hard time entertaining the notion of one of my sons parading himself around up top in the middle of the day for all to see…costume or no costume.

"Please Sensei." Mikey pleaded, obviously sensing my reticence. "I promise I'll be super careful!"

I sighed, knowing that despite my reservations I had already decided to let him do it. Of all his brothers, Michelangelo had always been the most enamored with the human world above him. Now he had the chance to interact in that world in a way he has never had before, and I knew I wouldn't be able to deny him. In truth, I suspected that getting out of the lair might do him some good.

I slowly nodded my head. "Very well," I stated softly. "You have my blessing."

Michelangelo let out an excited whoop, pumping a fist into the air. "Yes!" he crowed. "Thanks Sensei. You won't regret it, I promise!"

"See that I don't," I answered firmly, nodding my head slightly in a gentle dismissal. Both boys rose, bowed hastily in respect, then exited my room, already excitedly discussing what they would need to do next to get Mikey ready for his new gig.

Breathing deeply I closed my eyes, trying to settle my turbulent thoughts. I hoped I had made the right decision. There had been several times in my life where a single instant, a single decision, had drastically changed my world. For instance, the decision to take in four mutated, infant, abandoned turtles and raise them as my own. Or the decision to teach same said turtles the art of Ninjitsu. Or the decision to send one of those turtles off on his own to experience the world and calm his soul. There were many more such decisions, both big and small, but right now only one weighed heavy on my heart.

Had I done the right thing sending Leonardo away? At the time I had been so certain, but now…?

I could clearly see the results of my decision played out in my sons around me. They had changed so much over the last several months. Michelangelo had not touched any of his beloved video games in quite some time. Likewise, Donatello had abandoned his work in the lab in favor of a job that was clearly beneath his mental abilities and that he obviously at times loathed. Both of them were seeking something that had been denied them by Leonardo's continued absence; purpose. Or perhaps they were simply searching for a distraction. I could not yet tell, and perhaps it was a little of both.

Then there was Raphael.

I had feared for my most temperamental son, watching his frustration grow with each passing day, knowing it was only a matter of time before the pot boiled over. I had known I would need to address the problem, but had been uncertain how. With Leonardo it had always come easy, perhaps because we were so similar. Raph's anger was much more difficult for me to understand, and so the tension had grown and grown, until…

Nothing. No explosion of temper. No screaming tantrum of frustration. No accusations and roared demands. Everything I had feared and expected had failed to come to pass. If anything, Raphael's attitude had markedly improved over the last several months. I supposed I knew the cause behind this sudden change, I was just uncertain whether I should do anything about it. Raphael had obviously found an outlet for his raging emotions, and I was loath to do anything to take that away from him. Even knowing he was acting in direct disobedience to my orders. For the time being I decided not to interfere.

So here I sat, each of these decisions parading through my thoughts, unsure where they would lead or what the end results might be. I had never before put much stock in the telling of the future, but at this moment I couldn't help but wish I might have just a little peek. Michelangelo, Donatello, and Raphael were hurting, but in the way they had always done they were adapting and overcoming. I was not worried overmuch for them.

But what of Leonardo? He was out of my reach both physically and mentally. His letters had been few and far between and had revealed very little. I had no way of knowing what he was thinking or feeling, no way to understand the reasons behind his delayed return. I trusted his judgement, but I also feared what might happen to our small family if he chose to stay away _too_ long.

Or maybe I was just an old rat who missed his son.

 _ **1 YEAR GONE**_ **—Leo's POV**

It was ruined.

My heart sank inside my chest as I stared down at the letter in my hand, the neatly addressed and stamped envelope now marred with large splotches of bright red blood. A quick flip of the envelope showed that the patches of blood had sunk completely through the paper, meaning that the contents inside were certainly ruined as well. My stomach rolled nauseatingly, and I wasn't sure if the sick feeling was from loss of blood or the loss of the letter.

With a small moan I let me head fall back against the cold rock wall of the cave, closing my eyes and fighting back against the pain, both physical and mental, that assaulted my body.

Today had not been a good day.

I had been on my way to mail the letter when I had run into a large group of Santoria's men, on their way to harass one of the nearby villages. I had put a stop to their plans, but had paid for my interference when one of the banditos had gotten a lucky strike at my side with a hatchet. The cut was deep and had bled heavily, and I had struggled to make it back to the cave and the small cache of medical supplies I had brought with me from home. It hadn't been easy, but I had managed to do a fairly decent job of stitching up the cut. It wasn't until I had attempted to bandage the wound that I had discovered the letter still tucked inside my belt, and my day had suddenly gone from bad to worse.

The letter had taken me several weeks to write. It was a letter that I was several months late in sending, with an explanation that was even longer overdue. It was the longest letter I had written yet, my desire to share my experiences with my family finally breaking through my doubt and uncertainty. I had poured out my heart and soul into the letter, hoping and praying my family would understand even as I knew it wasn't enough, the words on the page somehow grossly inadequate in conveying everything I wanted it to. But I'd had to at least try.

I missed them so much!

My eyes stung with tears I tried to fight back, but they leaked out from beneath my closed lids anyway. I was just so tired. Tired of hurting. Tired of fighting. Tired of being alone. Tired of missing home. Just…tired.

I felt the letter crumple in my fist as I clenched my hand, the well of emotions threatening to overwhelm me. A small voice in the back of my mind reasoned that I could always write the letter again, but I already knew I wouldn't. It had been hard enough the first time, and I was too big of a coward, the uncertainty of how my words would be received haunting my thoughts.

' _I could always just go home and tell them in person.'_

The thought flittered through my mind before I could stop it, poisonous in the overwhelming sense of longing it brought with it. I shook my head, reminding myself for the millionth time that my family didn't really need me, but the people in the nearby villages certainly did. Santoria had been growing stronger and more persistent with each passing month, and I was the only thing standing between him and the innocent villagers. I couldn't abandon them all because I was feeling a bit homesick.

Okay, _a lot_ homesick.

Of course, there was also Splinter's mission to consider, the whole reason I was out here in the first place. Before I had left home, my father had told me I would know when it was time to return. He had told me to let my heart guide me. The only problem was, if I had allowed my heart to guide me, I would have come home after the first week.

No, my heart was not to be trusted.

Instead I had simply worked to hone whatever skills I could, hoping there would be some kind of mental epiphany when I accomplished whatever it was I was supposed to accomplish. It was frustrating to say the least, trying to complete a task without fully knowing what that task even was. Add to that this whole mess with Santoria, and the whole mission had pretty much gone to hell.

"I'm sorry Master," I whispered softly, my voice sounding hollow and empty in the cave around me. It made me shiver slightly, but I kept speaking out loud, hoping my own voice could somehow ease the aching loneliness inside of me. "I'm sorry I've failed. I just want to come home."

More tears leaked from beneath my lids, but this time I didn't even try to stop them. My whole life I had worked hard to put on a mask of strength and invulnerability, never wanting to show my family when I was hurt, or scared, or uncertain. A leader needed to appear strong, no matter what, otherwise how would his followers have any confidence in him?

But there was no one to lead now, no one to put on a false brave front for. I was alone.

My shell scraped roughly against the stone walls of the cave as I slid down to lie on my uninjured side, the tears coming faster as I gave in and allowed myself to feel the full ache of loss and loneliness. There in my cave, with no one to see and no one to care, I cried myself to sleep, my only comfort the certainty that dreams of my home and family awaited me in the darkness.


End file.
